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“I’m warning you that I will end up crying”

The blogger Estefi Machado brings to us a touching narrative about how she faced the premature death of her twin sons and leaves a message: To talk about the subject is very important

The day after the death of her twins, the blogger Estefi Machado wrote a letter to friends saying she needed to cry and talk about what had happened. Two years later she recalls the story and makes an appeal: “If you are with someone with a difficult story to tell, please do not look away and suggest talking about more cheerful things.”

Estéfi, the twins in her belly and the first son Tom, expressing all their love in a drawing
Estefi, the twins in her belly and the first son Tom, expressing all their love in a drawing

In a statement to Sandra Soares

I have an 8 year old kid

Since he is 2 I have been trying to get pregnant again.

I am the third from 5 brothers, and I have always considered a brother a very important item in a life of a person.

After many attempts, I got pregnant when my son was 4 years old.

With eight weeks of pregnancy I found out that the baby’s heart had never beaten, and then had a missed abortion.


After much weeping and trying to stand up, I started to try again, soon after the first loss. I had been trying for two years, until I decided to make an artificial insemination. A simple process: prodded ovulation, I monitored and at one point I had two promising eggs; one more “soft spot.” The chances were few, but what was my surprise, after receiving the positive and celebrating so much … We saw the first ultrasound  … three hearts beating!

A mix of joy, euphoria and panic, my husband almost fainted in the dark small room, but the mood was World Cup goal!

Weeks passed by, and ultrasound after ultrasound,  at a certain point we found  that one of the embryos was no longer developing, apparently  a normal fact in a multiple pregnancy, the embryo will doesn`t grow and develops properly and  ends up being absorbed by the body.

Time passed and I must say, the twin pregnancy is extremely hard …

It’s really all in double .. dizziness, pressure in the stomach, small annoyances are doubled when expecting two babies.

I had 21 weeks, going to the sixth month of pregnancy, when I had a bleeding, something else people say is usual in this kind of pregnancy, since competition for space inside is big.

This bleeding  grew and originated a small clot in my womb and it began to give false leads for my body  to go into frank labor in order to expel the clot.

I was hospitalized more for than 10 days trying everything to stop the contractions without getting out of bed or to poop, but nature came greater than all …

On February 2, the day of Yemanja, I had my two babies, through a natural birth,  I knew they would not survive.

Breno and Cecilia already had names, cradles, clothes and a new house, and yet  did not come.

Still in the hospital I had to take a remedy to dry the milk, because my body did not know I would not have anyone to breastfeed.

I spent days with  my breasts bandaged with gauze, packed like a standing geisha, so they didn’t have free will and spurt milk to anyone …

My husband was  16 hours flight away from me, and it was all very difficult.

The babies almost needed funeral and caskets, but due to their low weight, they did not make the requirement for  these procedures.

I lost a lot of blood, was sedated after the procedure, so I didn`t have a farewell ritual, not by negligence of anyone but for the fragility of the moment …

Going home without my children, having to give all the love and consolation to myself,  my husband and my son who was waiting for me scared  was not easy.

I know that each one has its own mechanisms to fight battles, but I preferred to speak.

The day after the birth I wrote a letter to my friends and family (see it below), and it  helped me to tell everyone what had happened  and to  receive back everybody`s affection.

I cried a lot, for a long time and believe me, I still have a lot of tears to cry.

But what I want to tell here, among so many valuable things I have learned is that when the mouth speaks, the body REALLY heals.

So if you are with someone with a difficult story to tell, please, don`t look away and suggest to talk about “happier things.”

If we are talking about it, it is because we really need to talk, and believe, somehow you were chosen to be part f this process.

Yes, let`s talk about grieving.

Our heart and soul say: Thank you


With her heart filled with mixed emotions, Estefi decided to write a letter to her friends and Family. See it below:


February 03, 2013.


Dear friends…


I received so many warm support messages these last few days that I decided to thank you all and tell you a little of what happened …


I think it also helps me to go off and fulfill  a little hole that I have in my soul …

As many of you guys know, I was pregnant with twins, 5 months already …

They had names, personalities, clothes, plans and thousands of  dreams …

Last week I had a bleeding and was admitted to St. Louis to take complete rest and try to contain an early labor.

But what was once a start, with the days turned into a frank labor.

We did everything, all the resources, all drugs, exercises, tests … But the force of the flood of nature was bigger …

Thursday and Friday was already strong contractions, dilation and Saturday I spent the whole day struggling against pain, unable to do much of anything, not even a C-section could be done, because I was losing a lot of blood and was in danger of losing the uterus …

But with great strength and suffering too, at night I already had enough dilation and could give birth (natural) to the babies without blood transfusion and no pro uterus damage …

I felt good the second born and knew all the time that they would not survive …

This was and it is all and being very painful, it seems that the pain will never  go away, the tears will never dry, but I also have the feeling of having learned great lessons …

Not that I do not deserve, nor that God did not want … But it’s no use trying to evade the force of nature .. Not before, planning, trying to anticipate things … and much less later, trying to hold back an avalanche that is much greater than our own  will…

I hope to be more cheerful  when I meet and hug each one of you, but prepare  your T-shirts because I end up crying … But I know that on your T-shirts I can!

And for my pregnant friends, who are many, do not hesitate to give news about your babies, I want to visit each one of them  with the same joy I had before,  pain can coexist with love.

Many kisses, thank you for every message, every sms, I’m sure that they helped me still do.